It’s been nearly 6 months since I split up with my ex.
I tried amicably to keep a contact with him but it became so much pressure I broke. I had to remove myself from the situation. I walked away. Does this make me an awful person? Who’s to say, but in the long run, I’d have hurt him more if I’d carried on. So, although it was a really horrible thing to do, I made myself the bad guy to save us both. This was my decision, not his.
I do have a question though, is it too early to start dating?
I understand that everyone heals differently and the process can take a long time or very little. I feel like I’m on a middle ground, although it’s been just under 6 months. I feel that my healing process started a long time prior to the break up.
I have recently been on a first date. After talking to my best friend who had been through a similar situation with his ex. He mentioned the dating process and I started to look about.
After reading reviews for different apps I decided on Bumble. I had a little bit of a play around with it but freaked out and set my profile to offline. This was a clear sign I wasn’t ready. For 2 weeks my profile just sat there collecting dust until the first bank holiday of May where I thought it could potentially be a bit of fun and some conversation whilst I’ve got the time off.
Bumble is a dating app that let’s women talk first. If you match but don’t want to speak to them then that’s fine matches expires after 24 hours anyway. It got me back to feeling like normal again, but it’s hard to even remotely know what to say to a complete stranger, even with a biography as help. My findings? Hey, how are you… doesn’t work. In fact most of the time you can’t even provoke a response by asking something about them from their profiles. What do you do? If they don’t want to talk, then in my eyes they aren’t worth your time, if they do give them that chance and you never know.
It would be really interesting to know if anyone has any set questions that they ask someone over a dating app? How to get a conversation flowing without just asking what they’re doing etc.
In general I try and give myself sets of rules for when talking to people through these apps. A lot of things have to be taken with a pinch of salt because you have no idea who this person is.
- Spend time getting to know them otherwise it just seems like you’re rushing. I found that I’d spend a while talking to people, three/four weeks of everyday conversation. It definitely brings down the nerves when meeting them in person.
- Ask questions, see what the person is like, similarities, differences, use hypothetical questions, they tend to tell a lot about people.
- Decide how much you want to be open about, if you feel like it could be used against you don’t talk about it.
- This being said, be yourself, don’t change who you are over via messaging because you still have to meet this person (if it goes that far).
- Relax, it’s only talking there is no pressure if they don’t want to talk to you fine, that isn’t your fault.
Thing is the whole point of a dating app is that if you don’t enjoy talking to the person or you find that they’re not compatible with you then that’s fine. Don’t feel pushed to talking to someone if you don’t want to and remember the person on the other side of the phone could just as easily do it to you.
So in all honesty I don’t know when the best time to start dating is. For me I think now is a good time to explore new opportunities. I’m in such a better head space, I’ve learnt more about myself and how I want to be. I think for me that has shown growth and a readiness for something that maybe 3 months ago would have just continued to panic me.
Does anyone else have a set timescale for these things? I know dating is hard but it’s such an interesting experience especially as someone who has only ever been through one relationship but you can only learn for each experience and that for me is all I need.